Changes

“I like to watch my favorite films

over and over again.”

 

Not to feel less nervous for the end, 

nor to retain laughs from the same jokes,

nor to repeat joy from my favorite lines

 

But to see, and hope to notice

some changes within my feelings,

to compare scenes with amounted parts of my life,

to widen my perspective as the minutes have gone by

 

So please, don’t you say you’ll ‘always’

Don’t give away your promises like a flier

Don’t trade ‘forever’ with your soul

 

Because 

One day,

we’ll stop walking on the same pace

We’ll meet something new

We’ll be ready to move on

 

So, please, don’t say you’ll always

 

We must embrace our changes

I’ll never be the same

You’ll be different

But the memories we can keep

They will never change

 

We must accept the inevitability of change

Learn to feel the infinity of emotions

, and witness its disappearance when it fades away

 

So, please, don’t say you’ll always

One day, we will all change

, and the memories I’ve kept

They will never fade.

 

© Jidapa Chang-in

 

“I like to watch my favorite films

over and over again.”

Why? Why would you watch it again and again? Why would you want to bore yourself like that? These questions were raised numerous times by my sisters (more like complaints), and some of my close friends when they caught me staring at the screen playing the same motion pictures. And I always end their complaints on my obsession with re-watching films (and books too actually…) by saying ‘I like it, ok? should I be really giving you more reasons than that?’ Often times, that does end the conversation.

However, this time around, when I came back home to my parents, and watched a movie that I HAVE NOT SEEN with them, which my mom has already seen the movie, but she loves it so much she is willing to watch it again with me. At the end of the film, she proudly announced that she would watch it again and again, because its storyline is so real, and is related to her own life. Now, that had me looking for more reasons why I like re-watching my favorite films so much while there’s still a long list of movies I plan to see awaiting to be touched in my pocket. So that night, the question was raised by my own self.

I have always been obsessed with going back to my favorite books and films since I was young. Sometimes I would skip to my favorite parts and read or watch it to the end. I’ve never ever wondered why I would do that before. I always thought I did it all because I like it which it doesn’t bother anyone’s time, and that’s enough to explain myself, to myself and anyone else wondering why. It never crossed my mind that there’s so much more to that (silly and thoughtless) reason. Till that night with my mom’s words going back and forth in my head, it has sent me to spend a whole night going back to revive the feelings I always received when I repeat my favorite stories to my eyes and ears.

The feelings were I always felt comfortable, excited to go through my highlighted parts, relieved to already knowing about the end, and thrilled to replay them bad ass conversations.

Despite coming up with these feelings, I found that they are all merely superficial reasons. It’s shallow. They were all just shells, but not the yolk. They aren’t wholly the cause to why my obsession is there. So then I thought about my mom’s reasons to why she’d watch her favorite film again with me. It hit. I do like my favorite films and books because it seems real, and I could relate to the main characters. I could relate to their attitudes, behaviors and personalities. I could relate my own life experiences to the stories.

That’s about it to me. These reasons could be it. But it is not.

It occurred to me that every time I re-watch or re-read my favorites, I find a clear solution to my cloudy head. It relieves my stress. I’ve noticed that most of the times I would go through my top film or grab my favorite novel would be my breaks during my exams or when there’s pile of work to get done.

Holding an idea of being able to get a hold of things, being able to be in charge, and knowing that by doing so I wouldn’t lose control, they relieve my stress. It makes me feel lighter no matter how hard the things around me were, and no matter what the cause of the stress really was. By just doing something that I know what will happen, I know that it’s all under my control (re-read or re-watch my favorite media) during the time I’m with my work (cause of stress), it springs my stressful mind back to the peaceful state. In a way, it also seems to be my best tactic to distract myself from misery. Which, most of the time, it helps me get through.

These reasons behind my obsession, they seem to make sense to me. Noticing the time and feelings of myself when I do this obsessive things did shed some light on how I manage my stress from problems in my life.

Nonetheless, I did notice one more thing. It occurred to me that my feelings and perspectives I have toward the characters and storylines change every time I repeat them. The second time always feels similar to the first time for me, but the following times, they always change. It is due to my never-ending in growing older and adding experiences to my own life.

The older I got, the more experiences I go through, the changes happen to my views toward everything, yes, especially my favorite films and books. I’ve changed. I’ve been different. I’m no longer the teenager I was when I was 15 years old. I’m not the girl I was before I had my heart broken. I’m not the student that I was before I had my bachelor’s degree.

I’ve noticed, I do spend some time thinking about my personal growth, about my own changes. I like to see how I’ve changed, and what I could fix now for the greater future. Re-reading the same books and re-watching the same films have helped me see how I’ve changed. They allow me to notice the differences of my perspectives, my attitudes, and my personalities between those that I had at my first time seeing or reading them and what I have now when I repeat them.

Maybe, I’ll try to explain more of these to my annoying beloved sisters when they complain about my obsession, or maybe I’ll come up with a better and quicker way to end their complaints.

Jidapachu,

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