Lately, I feel I have pushed myself into a thunder. It’s dark and dusty. It’s a confusingly wonder for myself. I feel like I have punched my face with a fist of painful questions, which I know exactly I would never be able to give it of any satisfying answers.
When I have the answers, I either doubt it or strongly try to push it aside.
I doubt it because I’m stubborn and I’ve always believed in myself. I believe in who I am. I believe in it so much that I have such a clear, distinct picture of what I deserve. Of all the things and people that deserve to grow with me, to help me grow, and to become a part of who I am. To become a part of me to the end.
I doubt it because life is brief. Why must I waste it on people or things I call it never going to worth my time?
But I could be wrong about them and I have.
So I’ve been asking myself. Why I want to push some people away? I can push whomever I don’t want to get involved with away, not? Do I want to? Or I should because I don’t want to be changed or I don’t want to have parts of them in me?
Maybe it is because I have been hurt and I don’t want to anymore. Maybe because I’m just too scared to meet and open up for someone new. Maybe I’m just enough and happy with people in my life now.
But then, it hit me. Do I even have the ability to control of whom shall I meet? If so I do, does it mean I’m limiting my life experiences? Does it mean I’m filtering the chances I have to explore the world and more of other great people? To turn strangers into friends? To turn all the odds into beauties? To see things in other possibly wonderful countless ways?
But then, it hit me. All the people whom I met and know today, all the friends and families, they are ones I never intend to know. They are amazing people whom are meant for me to know and love. All the break-ups, all the fights, and all the good times I had with people, whom all firstly started out as strangers, are not I imagined to feel or to experience. I never choose to have it. I can’t choose to feel what I want to feel.
But then, it hit me. I believe in destiny. I believe it was destiny that brings me to surround with all I have in my life today. Destiny gives me excitement, and I love living my life in an exciting, intriguing, and surprising way.
But then, I doubt it because I know what destiny has also been giving me, beside love and bliss, are disappointment and hurt.
So I keep asking myself daily, may I get to destine my own life? Can I lead my own path and create my own journey? Can I choose whom I shall allow to help me grow and grow with me?
Definitely, I know that I may and I can. But maybe I have already been doing that all along without even realizing. Or maybe I have been living up to the destiny and just going with the flow.
Or maybe the part I have been leading on my own is what people call ‘a part of growing up.’
And the part that I let it flow on its own is what people call ‘a part of destiny’ or ‘how it should be.’
Or so it is how Forrest Gump says, “My mom always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” True, I can choose whichever piece of chocolate I’d like to eat most, but I’d never know what it taste like until I decide to bite it. I’d never actually know the person if I keep pushing him/her away.
Maybe I’m just realizing that this is life. This is a part of growing up. I understand it, but I guess I will never be able to give myself the right satisfying answer to why this happens and why this doesn’t go my way. To why this person suddenly decides to hurt me? To why I keep pushing some things and some people away or why I choose to do things to people in a way I never thought I would.
I’d never know which piece of chocolate tastes best or tastes worst. I’d never know which piece I’d keep buying to have more or which I’d carelessly throw away. Not until I get a bite of it. I understand it and know how it works. But why do I keep pushing some pieces away before I even get a bite?
Maybe the fact that I couldn’t give the right answer to all of above is just how living life in a safe, exciting, and intriguing way is.
Maybe that is how I now choose learn through life experiences and meeting new interesting and strange kinds of people.
Maybe I don’t even need to find the answer. Maybe all of the questions are pushing me to find the way out of the thunder. And maybe there is a forest of yet-to-be-discovered flowers waiting ahead.
Maybe I haven’t been pushing people away, instead I have been saving myself from getting hurt and disappointed.
Maybe I should be better off telling myself that to erase those questions in my mind.
© Jidapa Chang-in