I no longer feel excited for birthdays… and that’s not good. Since I was a little girl running around in a short blue skirt covered in mud, I have always been excited for birthdays. Birthdays are inexplicably precious and special.
There have always been something indescribably beautiful on my birthdays. I don’t quite remember exactly of all the things happened in each year but I remember well of how I felt. I remember how my heart crazily beats for waking up to the sun shining on a day of having a new number to my age. I remember jumping up and down like a little girl getting a new pink doll just because it’s my birthday. I remember blowing candles and asking for countless silly wishes. I remember digging into a giant vanilla cake and hating that I have to share it with my sisters. I remember how my eyes began to shimmer with salty tears as my friends and families startled and surprised me with a three pound cake and a handful of lightened candles. I remember celebrating my sweet sixteenth in the U.S. with my loving American friends and families. I remember freaking out when I turned 20 just because the ‘teen’ part is permanently excluded from my age.
I remember it all very well and that these feelings, memories, and moments that happened each year have prolonged my excitement to all the past years until yesterday.
Yesterday, 5th February 2017 was my 22nd birthday. I felt absolutely nothing excited for it.
And it’s not because of how the wrinkles have started to rudely tag along since I turned 20. No, I don’t hate getting older. I don’t hate having wrinkles on my face. (Well, I hate it a little but not so much)
Getting older is definitely not the cause but realizing how time is moving forward so quickly that I could barely keep it up with what’s going on each day might be the fact that I don’t feel excited this year. As I realize it’s not just me who is getting older, it’s also my parents, sisters, friends, and everyone who I dearly wish to have them beside me till the day I hold my last breathe.
And that’s impossible. Impossible to have them beside me forever. And also… I think too much of the future. I really gotta stop predict and imagine my own future before it ruins more of my excitement for all the other things in my life.
And guys, I really hated that I couldn’t feel excited. I honestly hated that. So I told my 22-year-old self, “Fuck it lady! Today shall be the day you spend without worries. So go out and enjoy all the plans you have planned to do.”
I thought to myself as I woke up, ‘it will be just another day I have thoroughly planned it out how shall I spend the day’ ‘It will be just another day I no longer aged 21’ ‘It will be just another day going out rocking my Sunday’
‘It will be just another day breathing and appreciating for everything that has made me ‘me’ today’
And at the end of the day, I have realized that there is absolutely nothing I could hold on to but my own self, there is nothing I could forever possessed, there is only one thing I could surely have to myself is feeling. Feeling grateful for the day I earned to spend and everything in my life.
Yesterday, my 22nd birthday. It was just another day helps reminding me that I’m not alone, I’m loved, I’m entering the grownups world, and that I’m lucky to be me today.
It was another day with another precious lesson; live your life to the fullest, think less of the future, make your present-self well to better your future-self.
It was another day I spent it with one of my precious friends. It was another day enjoying Japanese food and Korean dessert. It was another day walking around the mall alone doing window shopping. It was another day I smiled to myself and felt so glad to be alive and living in this odd world.
“It was just another perfect typical kind of birthday”