Recently, there have been too many people asking me why I’m still single. Single af. “You don’t look like the type of girl who would have no boyfriend? Why are you single?” “There are no boys in your university? Is that why you stay single?” “You are a very pretty woman. Why no boyfriend?”
Blah blah blah…oh people, I wonder the same thing.
No, not really.
I’ve always known the answer to those questions. I just never admitted it until a few days ago when I had a late night chat with one of my best friends. The love and relationship kind of conversation. It started off with her showing a picture of a little gift she bought for her boyfriend and that I told her how bored I am to see her being in love, and also how envious I am that her boyfriend is not the stupid and annoying type of human beings. She then told me, “Go get one so that you wouldn’t be bored, but you know when you finally get one, you will get bored too.”
“No I don’t get bored of him.
“But I get fucking bored of myself when I get to be alone.”
She then told me about the time when she was away travelling in another country, her boyfriend required her to keep updating him pictures of what she sees in each day. Basically, it’s telling him about her day, only more visually.
Her boyfriend calls it “Homework”
She said he kept asking her all day to not forget handing in the ‘homework’ but then one day he texted her, “Just hand it in later after you finished travelling. Have fun first.”
Later in about an hour, he texted her “Homeworkkkkkkkkkkk”
Super cute. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a girl or I just like it when a guy gets a little silly. Well, I think it’s very cute.
When she’s back in Thailand, he kept asking her every five text messages if she is available to see him on the weekend. For a moment, I thought if I were her I might get a little annoyed by that but then I had a huge flashback and was slapped by my own long distance relationship moments where I cannot see him even if I was available as fuck. Oh boy, those were the worst, most horrible, and most irritating times.
It wasn’t easy when you dearly want to share your special moments with someone on a long distance relationship because instead of being able to do it right away at that moment, you have to wait two digit hour for the person to wake up and to be available to talk to you. It was never easy, though it wasn’t as terrible as it sounds. It might have made us sad for having to be apart but it has made the time we spent together on skype and that every single alphabet and picture we shared on our text messages become more meaningful and more precious.
“He said, ‘I don’t know why I miss you all the time. Guessing this is what it’s like being attached to someone.’ “ said my friend.
“And then he said maybe it’s because we just started the relationship.” She laughed.
I have had those moments. I remember I couldn’t wait for the weekends that my ex would be free to come see me or that for my ex to sleep over at my place during the weekdays.
I told my friend, “I like it when someone is attached to me because I rarely get attached to anyone.”
I’ve said this many times that I never get attached to anyone. It’s true and slightly not true. I would get emotionally and physically attached to the person for the first few weeks of the relationship and then I would stop. Not only because I like to spend my time alone or that how much I like being by myself but also because I’m afraid of getting attached and …yes it is because of my fear of being left by someone. I’m scared of getting hurt. Funny thing is I’m not scared of another cheating on me but I’m more scared of hearing they say ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore.’ Because if I get cheated on, I would just leave. I won’t hate the person for doing so. Everyone has their own reasons for every actions. You do stupid things? Ok you are stupid. You cheat on me? Ok you are not loyal. I’ll just leave then.
Back in high school, when I was 14, I had my first boyfriend. He cheated on me. Thank goodness I wasn’t that in love with him but he was the first person who made my heart pounds a little harder than usual. Well, he was the cutest guy in school. No kidding. I enjoyed having him as my boyfriend. Bahahaha. He was this the most famous basketball player and that all the girls in school would do anything to have him. Anyway he has made me become so scared of being attached to someone because the thing I missed after breaking up is the feeling of wanting to call him. And I hate missing that.
After that, in every relationships I had, I was always the one who decides to walk away first. I was always the one who throws everything that was delicately built together away. I was always the one who hurts another. I was a coward. I get scared of my own imagination of the future that I always predict on my own. All of my ex were too nice to me. Looking back now, I understand why my sister and all my friends said that I was such a bitch, an asshole, and also a very stupid young woman. Ha ha ha
Yes, they were all nice. That’s why I don’t want to hurt them. I always imagine and predict the plausible future with the person. Most of them seems too hard to be true. When two lives don’t collide, one has to sacrifice to make it possible. All of them were ready to make it. I wasn’t. I don’t want to give up my dream and I don’t want anyone to give up theirs for me.
Both of my sisters said, “You think too much. You’re too considerate.”
“No, I just love myself and that I don’t want me protecting myself to hurt others,” I explained
“Have you asked them whether they would get hurt by you doing so or not?”
“No.” Bahahaha. That’s why I said I admit I was a coward. Well, at least there was one I didn’t walk away first. We both did it together. It was my first long distance relationship.
Distance and time are powerful. They could either kill you or make you stronger (Or both in the same time). I still remember how wide my smile could get when hearing ‘I miss you’ from him. As time passed, these three magical words couldn’t do a thing but trying its best to keep him and me as ‘us’. Nonetheless, faith faded and the pain of being far from each other kicked in. Days became utterly tiring for both of us to tell each other about.
We both then agreed to end the relationship. Not because we lose faith. Not because we don’t want to meet each other again anymore but because saying ‘I miss you’ or telling each other how our day was has become this shitty daily obligated activity while it should have been because we felt like it or we wanted to.
Plus we weren’t enough of a dreamer I guess. Time, money, work, and families. These factors were also parts of why we decided to end it.
Hearing my friend talked about her boyfriend asking to see her non-stop has led me to wanting to get attached to someone. This time, I would just do what my heart wants, think less, and believe in my loved one a little more.
Now back to the question “Why am I still single?”
Being a person who always leaves first, it never made me happier. All it did was made me feel a little safer. Safe from my own thoughts. So,
The answer is
“I question myself too much about the future that I started to doubt everything in the present”
Now, as I have thought through all of my relationships, having brain as a company in relationships is damn smart but having your heart as your leader, for sometimes, would make you less of a cold hearted person.
Trust me, asking yourself “How does it feel to be in love, to be loved, and to love someone?” would fuck you up for the whole night.
Oh wait, you just did, didn’t you?