Come and Go

Every night,

I walk through thousand lights and shining stars

afar I can still see

so please morning please

don’t you ever come

 

Let it, be it, dark like this

‘cause it is when I’m loved

 

Thousand lights and shining stars

Though they are surrounding me

, they’ll be gone by the morning beam

 

so please morning please

don’t you ever come

I hate feeling numb,

when the sun gives me warmth

 

‘Cause it shows

that I’m nothing but

a hint of  breeze

with brown petals

and fallen feathers

 

When the morning beam,

it seems there was never once

‘together’

, it was just the lust of affection

and my creation of

loving escort that brought by

the shining lights

and brightening stars

 

Every night,

I walk through thousand lights and shining stars

Though they are surrounding

and never leave me,

 

When the morning beam

, glistening stars are never mine

 

Never once they were mine

Shining stars.

Jidapachu,

PS. this was inspired by my thoughts on ‘one night stand’ and also how I get to meet so many people, but I rarely get to keep them in my life. Just ‘come and go’ like morning and night.

Your Crooked Teeth

You were standing there

with a pair of caring eyes

You looked so fine, oh my,

I could die for your touch

My eyes denied to shut

All it’s done is run

and cut through everyone

And rush to tie

to you, the only one

one that looks so fine, oh my,

I must be out of my mind

cause all I find is the silly me

being helpless and falling

on my two feet

for your crooked teeth,

sweet little eyes,

and a simple smile

I must be out of my mind

whining to find you

standing in the corner of the room

although I knew

you and me

we are the two-soul that would never collide

I don’t mind

but I hope that you like

your crooked teeth

’cause they are just so fine,

just so fine

oh my, I must be out of my mind

I can’t untie

my eyes from you,

your crooked teeth,

sweet little eyes,

and a simple smile

Oh my, I must be out of my mind

you look so fine.

So fine.

Jidapachu,

PS.

This was inspired by someone whom I just met (a stranger still). The thing is he is far from being considered as ‘good looking’ , but I find him looking just so fine with everything that makes him ‘him’, which makes me unable to look away from him (I felt ashamed of it to be honest LOL). Nonetheless, I don’t ever wish to getting to know him. Surprisingly (not really), I want to merely keep us as strangers… or just two human beings happened to remember and recognize each other’s face.

 

Work&Money: what are you working for?

Have you ever felt so unsure of yourself? Feeling like every single day that you are spending is spent in a way that is somewhat… pointless.

I’m currently working on a profile article of a young Thai actress. She is my age, twenty-two. She was born into a (slightly almost) poor family. Her mom used to work really hard, but now she doesn’t have to anymore. She worked really hard to get into the acting industry. She participated in all sorts of competitions from dancing, singing, to acting, since she was merely four. And it eventually paid off. She got into a Thai reality television singing competition when she was just 16.

The 22-year-old actress has been the main source of income for her family ever since. She paid for her own education since she was in high school. She was able to buy a condo in the center of Bangkok on her own, and now she is about to buy a car as soon as she gets her driver license.

She works up to 16 hours daily. Although she has to work really hard and gave up her high school life for starring in many series and dramas, she said it is worth it no matter what because it is her dream and ultimate passion. She is driven by the love and caring of her mom, and the hope of having her family lives well.

As I was interviewing her, I felt like my life has been somewhat easy and it makes me feel so afraid that I might not be able to satisfy my parents. Or even myself. I know my parents would say they want nothing but seeing me live happily. I know we should be satisfied and gratified for whatever we have for our present-selves. But I also want my parents to be able to brag about me to others. I want them to be able to show off the car I bought for them with my own money. I want them to be able to tell their friends how successful I have become. I guess that is my ultimate goal.

I honestly am utterly envious of people who get to work since they were teenagers. I‘m envy their working experiences that I couldn’t just ride a time machine to get some. I might sound like a brag-bitch now that I’m about to tell you a bit of how my life has been. I never had to work to pay for school or any silly things I want. I was born into a family that is capable of buying me anything that I want and need. I have a credit card and I have a car that is always filled with gas paid by my dad.

Extremely fabulous how that sounds.

I know. I know. Now you are probably thinking ‘Hey kiddo, trust me it’s better to not work and have the money’ Yes, I know it’s better. The reason why I can study wherever and whatever I want is because of what my parents had been through in their youth. My mom and dad had to work real hard to pay for their schools. They never got what they wanted. They could barely get what they need.

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I remember my dad used to tell me how much he liked to sleep over at his friend’s home because whenever they had dinner, they would ask him to join, which means my dad would get to eat something nice for free. I think he feels it was pathetic and he was ashamed of it, so he often tells me and my sisters this story. I think it’s also because not only that it now seems quite amusing for him but also that it always reminds him of how poor he was, and how it makes him gratify and appreciate all the things he could now easily have.

My parents always emphasize how they had to work, save money, and study well to get what they need; foods, residence, and clothes.

Once when I was little, I asked my mom for a new set of paper dolls (when I already had tons of them), my mom rejected me with a story of her school life, which has scared my brain for life. When she was about seven or eight years old, she had to save money for novels and comic books. And she had to hide them under her bed so that my grandma wouldn’t know she spent the money on books. My grandma used to prioritize working over education. My grandma hated books, but she wanted my mom to become a doctor. Ironic, isn’t it.

Nonetheless, my mom said when grandma eventually found her hidden books, grandma sold it all and spanked her as if she was a stray dog stealing food.

But it had pushed my mom to get into the best art school in Thailand (my grandma wasn’t happy about it). My mom was a fine art student. During her university life, she had to spend a lot of money monthly for her artistic stuffs, papers, brushes, paints…. Whatever, I don’t really know but I do know they are freaking expensive. As my grandma hated every jobs that are not relevant to the government, medical, science, and math… (All the stuff I didn’t apply for), she sent my mom merely a tiny bit of coins that are merely enough for enrolling in each course. So my mom had to work to pay for other things; apartment, food, clothes… etc.

My mom said there are times that she were unable earn enough for the month. She had to decide whether she should spend her last few coins on a stick of four pieces of meatballs for dinner or on a bus ride to get back to her dorm. And if she paid for both, she wouldn’t have enough money for school.

Now, I might get things I want by merely maintaining my grade, doing my best at what I have to do, and remaining as a good daughter, but the way I currently live, the way my life has moved forward is always pushed by my family’s money. Without it, I’d be nowhere. I wouldn’t be studying in the top university with the GPA above 3.5.

I know it is their ultimate goal to have their children live comfortably, study well, and able to buy whatever is needed for education. They have succeeded it. That is how my sisters and I have lived our lives.

And it makes me feel so unsure of myself because I have zero experience of working to earn money. I’m truly jealous for those western kids who were culturally forced to work during their teen years. In Thailand, in the society I live in, we don’t have to work. We study. We do our best at our job (study). And then we thrive to get the best job as a pay back from all the effort and money our parents poured for our education.

For me, what has driven me to love studying and put lots of effort into it is definitely my parents and the feelings after buying ‘material things’ Yes, true that life is not all about material things. It’s the matter of your feelings, families and friends. But man, honestly, for me it matters, especially when you get to enjoy the ‘material things’ with your family and friends. And as I ‘personally’ believe it is best when they come together, thus it does fucking matter.

I feel like those people who are happy with their present state of life and whatever they currently have. Those people are gorgeously awesome. However, I still prefer having material things to chase after and work hard for. But, of course be smart and don’t spend more than you have. I’m so grateful for having the parents who are deeply serious with teaching their children to be able of separating the needs and wants from each other. Yes, it’s horribly hard especially when you aren’t working to earn the money yourself yet.

Don’t get me wrong. I do know the value of every single thing I earn as I always trade things with grades. It is how my parents raise me. They don’t just hand me money to buy silly stuff I want. I work for it. But, as a 22-year-old who is still studying, exploring the world, and is so ready to work, I wish I could go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self to find any job to at least experience the effort to get the money (that is not from my own parents).

Jidapachu,

Won’t You Love Yourself a Little Bit More

Since the New Year, I haven’t turned into a new-self I wanted to be… because there was never a new-me I dearly want to be. I never know what I want to be exactly. I never know what kind of a human being I should be. But should we all do? Should we all have an ideal human being to follow?

Well, in the aspect of raising a child, I think we should. Actually, I believe many of us would have someone we wish to be like. Nonetheless, I don’t have any of an ideal person I want to be like. Not even my mom or dad. I never ever wanted to be like them. Not that they aren’t great parents. I just want people to remember me as me, and not as ‘Oh! you are so like your mom!’

I’m not here to tell you ways of finding an ideal person, or ways to become the best person in the world, or even how to raise a child. (Cause I don’t have a child. I’m only 22…) I’m not here to do that because I believe we all know how to do so on our own and that we all know the best version of ourselves.

By now, you might probably be thinking ‘then what the heck are you going to babble about dear?’

Well,

This year, I have been looking at myself quite more often. I started to think about what I do each day and evaluate myself whether I have done something crazy or out of my ordinary life routine or not. ‘Cause I’ve just noticed that I have been choosing to do the same things. Eat the same food. Wear the same comfy clothes. Take the same route to school. And it’s not wrong because it makes me feel safe and comfortable. And most of the time, I would rather keep myself feeling that way…. It’s not wrong to make yourself feel safe, is it?

No, it is not. But it gets boring. I get bored and I find myself wanting to excite myself.

So, I have been kinda stepping out of my comfort zone and do things I always think wouldn’t be good for me. Well, not like no good for me, but sort of whenever I think of doing it, I have a ‘no’ or ‘better not’ coming up in my head. For examples, I now got tattoos on my body. I go to clubs. I hang out with my friends more often (Way mooooore comparing to before and as a person who is a homebody). I drink. I got drunk. I eat shitty food. (Basically eat whatever I crave. Fried foods, sweets and chips.)

And today, I looked back at what I have done in the past few months. I still think I haven’t changed. What I do doesn’t change who I am. People may think of me differently if I tell them purely all the things I have tried out this year. However, my friends and family still look at me in the same way. I’m still Chertam. I’m still a kiddo who smiles easily, laughs ridiculously, loves talking, drinks coffee every morning, crazily loves shopping and loves eating all kinds of foods.

What I’m trying to say here is, just do whatever you want but don’t let it ruin your life. Don’t let the things you do kill you or destroy who you are. Even though I go out at night, drink more, travel more, spend time alone a little bit less, I still got As and maintain my GPA above 3.5. My parents are still proud of me. I also even just got accepted by a company I want to do an intern with. I told my parents about everything I have done and they didn’t say much but I believe they think I’m the coolest kid ever. ha ha ha. Such a self-praise that was.

Another thing is, if you want to have an ideal person you want to be like, go ahead and follow their path. Just don’t let their identity erase or replace yours. Don’t let their everything become all yours. Don’t let it pull you down. Be proud of who you are.

If you think you still have to improve yourself and have no one to look up to. I have tips. Cause to be honest, I never ever feel enough about bettering myself. I never thought of myself as the best person. I never ever once look at myself as a perfect lady. I have flaws. I do. A looooot. But I never let it pull me down though. Well, maybe sometimes. I have my insecurities. Don’t we all do? But whenever you fall down, you would eventually have to get up, wouldn’t you? (Yes, you would. I would. Being on the ground for too long makes my butt tired and hurt)

So if you ask me, what do I do to better myself? I always pick up little great things of amazing people around me to look up to and try my best to follow. That is how I improve myself as I grow up. Surprisingly, without even realizing. For me, the people around me are very important and impactful to my life. Whom I think have a bad influence, I tend to keep distance. Trust me. Friends do have huge effects on you. I know you aren’t that stupid to not know who aren’t nice to your life. You might not know initially but you will eventually and think of it as a lesson. Learn from them.

Another thing, don’t let anyone tell you that you are stupid. I mean if they say so, don’t believe them. Don’t get mad at them. People who tell others stupid are ones who are. ‘Cause you know what people! No one is smart and no one will ever be. And no one is stupid either. We all are just humans learning to be our best selves.

We are all humans. So, live your life. Live it in your coolest, best, fun, and rocking way. Don’t let anyone lead your life. Lead your own pace. Walk the way you think is best. Walk fabulously like all the angels from Victoria Secrets (if you want…) Cause at the end of the day, the last person you will be able to hold on to is yourself. So be the best version of you. 

Nonetheless, (I’m gonna say it again and again) it is not wrong to look up to someone to better yourself. Let people pull you up, not pull you down. The ground may sometimes seem luxury and soft to sit and fall on to, but as I said, your butt will get tired and hurt. So get up and walk. Free your butt. Move yourself forward on your best route. 

(What triggers me to talk about this in this post? I have been noticing myself and the people around me a little more and I started to think and questioning myself of what I can do to have this good part of this person, what can I do to not let  this person make me feel bad, am I a good friend, am I hurting anyone, or even am I living my life to the fullest. Stuff like this has been happening lately.)

Now, you are probably tired of people telling you to love yourself. (also it is a part of this post’s title) Well, for the least, I am. So! as much of a pain in a butt I am, I will leave you with…

“Love yourself a little more each day and let no one bring you down”

Oh and eat a little more of what you crave (even if it is a little… bad for your health) So here are the things I have been craving which aren’t bad for health (and I haven’t been eating them for a while) Let’s say, it’s a throwback of what I have eaten throughout the previous year.

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Basic breakfast; cereals, granola, strawberries and dried coconuts with milk.

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Simply just (any kind of) toasts topped with soy yogurt, bananas, granola, Chia seeds and drizzled with chocolate.

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10

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Traditional rolled oats cooked with milk, Chia seeds, topped with more milk, goji berries, coconut chips, and chocolate chips.

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Traditional French toasts with mulberry sauce. I spread the bread with peanut butter and cream cheese. For the sauce, I merely cooked it with sugar and water.

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Ps. Sorry, for pancakes and pies, there are no recipes because I cooked them after the recipes I found on the Internet and I don’t think they are the best of the best yet.

Jidapachu,

The Relationships Thailand Forbids

The Relationships Thailand Forbids

“We never hold hands in public. We walk next to each other but never too close,” said Ms. Araya Engpornsin, a university student in Bangkok.

Araya held her hands tighter and said with a sigh, “It hasn’t been easy for me. We have to act like friends whenever we are together outside.

“It’s frustrating to not be able to say she is my girlfriend.”

Same-sex relationship is not an uncommon thing to see in Thailand. Nonetheless, people tend to keep their relationships under wraps.

Araya has told some of her best friends about her girlfriend and her sexual orientation but she hasn’t told her family yet. She eventually plans to tell her parents when she is successful with her career. However, when it comes to her girlfriend’s family, they never plan to reveal their bond.

A relationship like Araya’s is easy to hide as they appear to be just friends.

Is Thailand really gay-friendly?

To the world, Thailand is believed to be a gay paradise. According to research conducted by the trading arm of Galileo Capital Management Ltd which specializes in LGBT Asset Management and Corporate Advisory, there are approximately 4 million people who identify themselves as LGBT in Thailand.

Thailand seems to tolerate transgender people the most since they can openly express their identities.

In 1988, Thailand’s first transgender pageant ‘Miss Tiffany’s Universe’ was held and now it has become the world’s most popular beauty contest for transgender women. It is held annually and is opened to all Thai transgender women.

One of the most famous tourist attractions in Thailand is ‘Ladyboy cabaret show.’ ‘Ladyboy’ is a common term used to call transgender women in the country.

Thus, many foreigners believe that Thailand is a place where all identities in LGBT community could live freely and express their identities with no worries.

Little do they know, LGBT people in Thailand are still not recognized by law; face discrimination, aren’t able to access social services and don’t have the right to get married. Moreover, many Thais still don’t know of other gender identities than within the common abbreviation known around the world ‘LGBT’. Some Thais do not even know what LGBT stands for.

“Many Thais still aren’t able to differentiate gay from transgender woman. They still call gay as transgender woman,” said Mr. Nikorn Arthit, the director of Bangkok Rainbow Organization, a community based NGO that supports the lives of all LGBT people in Thailand.

This might be due to the fact that some transgender women don’t feel the need to fully change their appearance to look wholly like women however, their personalities and characteristics still follow their feminine ideal. Therefore transgender women can be easily distinguished and recognized.

However, that doesn’t mean they are accepted.

Mr. Nikorn also said that transgender women in Thailand have to do or be something that their parents will appreciate and are able to talk about with other people in order to feel that they are accepted by their family. He explained that it is a common cultural practice among Thai parents to boast about their children with others. Thus, they have to either be stunningly beautiful or successful with their job in order to be accepted.

“That is why many transgender women want to win or at least get to join Miss Tiffany’s Universe,” he added.

However, not all transgender women want this. Panjavich Khodthong, a university student who identifies as transgender woman, has never dressed up nor tried to look like a woman. Her hair is cut short and she is always dressed in men’s clothes.

“I don’t think it’s necessary to have to look like women to be transgender women,” she said with a humble smile on her face.

There are many transgender women who are like Panjavich. Although, they are obviously recognized by their feminine characteristics, some Thais still consider men who are attracted to men as transgender.

“It’s all feelings. I’m just a man feeling attracted to another man. That’s all. I’m not ‘Tood’,” said Jettarin Juangjan, a university student who identifies as gay.

‘Tood’ is a common term Thais used to call transgender women.

Jettarin said that he was often called out and teased with the term ‘Tood’ by his classmates when he was in high school which caused him to feel embarrassed to admit that he is attracted to men, moreover, it made him utterly scared to come out.

However, he has finally come out to his friends in the university but he hasn’t come out to his parents yet. One summer during his last year in high school, Jettarin overheard his mother talking to his relatives. His mother told them that she wouldn’t be able to accept it if he were gay or transgender.

He said that he feels scared and as a result he sees LGBT people as unnatural.

“For me, being gay is not normal. It’s because I grew up in the society where the relationships should only exist between men and women,” Jettarin calmly explained.

How Thai Cultures and Beliefs Affect LGBT People

According to the study ‘Being LGBT in Asia: Thailand Country Report’ conducted by the United Nations Development Programme and the United States Agency for International Development, the biggest challenge that Thai LGBT people have to face is accepted by their parents. Achieving all the parents’ expectations and making the image of the family better are the crucial fundamental part of life for Thai people. Thus, when it comes to LGBT people, living their lives has become harder as being LGBT means they are against the norm and an ideal perfect family.

Thailand’s traditional views are influenced by religious beliefs which have much effect on how society perceive same-sex relationships and family system.

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95 percent of Thai people are Theravada Buddhists. Thais believe that having sexual orientation in this life is the result of their bad deeds in the previous life. Nonetheless, due to the Buddhist teachings of being a good person, Thais have become more tolerant with same-sex relationship. They believe that as long as you conduct good deeds, it does not matter if you are LGBT.

However, it isn’t the case for everyone.

The toleration and acceptance varies according to each person’s family setting and environment, and most of Thai families still believe in the patriarchal system. As part of being a good person in Thailand means you have to do well in your position in the family, it puts people who have same-sex relationship into those who decide to conduct bad deeds. Thus, it also means they ruin the reputation and image of the family.

Furthermore, the education is extremely influential. According to a study conducted on more than 2,000 students from every regions in Thailand by UNESCO Bangkok, Plan International Thailand, and Mahidol University, it stated that more than half of the students aged 13-20 years old in the study who identify as LGBT are bullied on their gender identity.

Most importantly, the teachers see that it’s their own fault for getting bullied.

The study also stated that one of the main factors causing LGBT students to get bullied is that the teachers have little knowledge on LGBT issues. Further, many teachers still refer to LGBT people as those who are mentally disordered and sexually deviant.

Therefore, it is essential for schools to build the knowledge and understanding of gender diversity in teachers. This will help better the attitudes of the society toward LGBT people and eventually lead to bettering the law and regulations to cover LGBT people in protecting all of their fundamental rights.

The law will not merely allow the LGBT people to have rights equally to everyone in the society but it will provoke people to have more thoughts on understanding and accepting the sexual diversity.

“For me, I support the law on same-sex marriage not just for the rights that follow but for having it as a symbol.

“It’s a symbol that says the society has accepted and is able to accept LGBT people,” said Araya.

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Jidapachu

I’m 22: It Was Another Birthday

I no longer feel excited for birthdays… and that’s not good. Since I was a little girl running around in a short blue skirt covered in mud, I have always been excited for birthdays. Birthdays are inexplicably precious and special.

There have always been something indescribably beautiful on my birthdays. I don’t quite remember exactly of all the things happened in each year but I remember well of how I felt. I remember how my heart crazily beats for waking up to the sun shining on a day of having a new number to my age. I remember jumping up and down like a little girl getting a new pink doll just because it’s my birthday. I remember blowing candles and asking for countless silly wishes. I remember digging into a giant vanilla cake and hating that I have to share it with my sisters. I remember how my eyes began to shimmer with salty tears as my friends and families startled and surprised me with a three pound cake and a handful of lightened candles. I remember celebrating my sweet sixteenth in the U.S. with my loving American friends and families. I remember freaking out when I turned 20 just because the ‘teen’ part is permanently excluded from my age.

I remember it all very well and that these feelings, memories, and moments that happened each year have prolonged my excitement to all the past years until yesterday.

Yesterday, 5th February 2017 was my 22nd birthday. I felt absolutely nothing excited for it.

And it’s not because of how the wrinkles have started to rudely tag along since I turned 20. No, I don’t hate getting older. I don’t hate having wrinkles on my face. (Well, I hate it a little but not so much)

Getting older is definitely not the cause but realizing how time is moving forward so quickly that I could barely keep it up with what’s going on each day might be the fact that I don’t feel excited this year. As I realize it’s not just me who is getting older, it’s also my parents, sisters, friends, and everyone who I dearly wish to have them beside me till the day I hold my last breathe.

And that’s impossible. Impossible to have them beside me forever. And also… I think too much of the future. I really gotta stop predict and imagine my own future before it ruins more of my excitement for all the other things in my life.

And guys, I really hated that I couldn’t feel excited. I honestly hated that. So I told my 22-year-old self, “Fuck it lady! Today shall be the day you spend without worries. So go out and enjoy all the plans you have planned to do.”

I thought to myself as I woke up, ‘it will be just another day I have thoroughly planned it out how shall I spend the day’ ‘It will be just another day I no longer aged 21’ ‘It will be just another day going out rocking my Sunday’

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‘It will be just another day breathing and appreciating for everything that has made me ‘me’ today’

And at the end of the day, I have realized that there is absolutely nothing I could hold on to but my own self, there is nothing I could forever possessed, there is only one thing I could surely have to myself is feeling. Feeling grateful for the day I earned to spend and everything in my life.

So,

Yesterday, my 22nd birthday. It was just another day helps reminding me that I’m not alone, I’m loved, I’m entering the grownups world, and that I’m lucky to be me today.

It was another day with another precious lesson; live your life to the fullest, think less of the future, make your present-self well to better your future-self.

It was another day I spent it with one of my precious friends. It was another day enjoying Japanese food and Korean dessert. It was another day walking around the mall alone doing window shopping. It was another day I smiled to myself and felt so glad to be alive and living in this odd world.

“It was just another perfect typical kind of birthday”

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One of my best friends drew this for me. I didn’t know  I’m this gorgeous. Lol.

Jidapachu,

Little of “My Love Story”

Recently, there have been too many people asking me why I’m still single. Single af. “You don’t look like the type of girl who would have no boyfriend? Why are you single?” “There are no boys in your university? Is that why you stay single?” “You are a very pretty woman. Why no boyfriend?”

Blah blah blah…oh people, I wonder the same thing.

No, not really.

I’ve always known the answer to those questions. I just never admitted it until a few days ago when I had a late night chat with one of my best friends. The love and relationship kind of conversation. It started off with her showing a picture of a little gift she bought for her boyfriend and that I told her how bored I am to see her being in love, and also how envious I am that her boyfriend is not the stupid and annoying type of human beings. She then told me, “Go get one so that you wouldn’t be bored, but you know when you finally get one, you will get bored too.”

…hm?

“No I don’t get bored of him.

“But I get fucking bored of myself when I get to be alone.”

She then told me about the time when she was away travelling in another country, her boyfriend required her to keep updating him pictures of what she sees in each day. Basically, it’s telling him about her day, only more visually.

Her boyfriend calls it “Homework”

She said he kept asking her all day to not forget handing in the ‘homework’ but then one day he texted her, “Just hand it in later after you finished travelling. Have fun first.”

Later in about an hour, he texted her “Homeworkkkkkkkkkkk”

Super cute. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a girl or I just like it when a guy gets a little silly. Well, I think it’s very cute.

When she’s back in Thailand, he kept asking her every five text messages if she is available to see him on the weekend. For a moment, I thought if I were her I might get a little annoyed by that but then I had a huge flashback and was slapped by my own long distance relationship moments where I cannot see him even if I was available as fuck. Oh boy, those were the worst, most horrible, and most irritating times.

It wasn’t easy when you dearly want to share your special moments with someone on a long distance relationship because instead of being able to do it right away at that moment, you have to wait two digit hour for the person to wake up and to be available to talk to you. It was never easy, though it wasn’t as terrible as it sounds. It might have made us sad for having to be apart but it has made the time we spent together on skype and that every single alphabet and picture we shared on our text messages become more meaningful and more precious.

“He said, ‘I don’t know why I miss you all the time. Guessing this is what it’s like being attached to someone.’ ” said my friend.

“And then he said maybe it’s because we just started the relationship.” She laughed.

I have had those moments. I remember I couldn’t wait for the weekends that my ex would be free to come see me or that for my ex to sleep over at my place during the weekdays.

I told my friend, “I like it when someone is attached to me because I rarely get attached to anyone.”

I’ve said this many times that I never get attached to anyone. It’s true and slightly not true. I would get emotionally and physically attached to the person for the first few weeks of the relationship and then I would stop. Not only because I like to spend my time alone or that how much I like being by myself but also because I’m afraid of getting attached and …yes it is because of my fear of being left by someone. I’m scared of getting hurt.  Funny thing is I’m not scared of another cheating on me but I’m more scared of hearing they say ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore.’ Because if I get cheated on, I would just leave. I won’t hate the person for doing so. Everyone has their own reasons for every actions. You do stupid things? Ok you are stupid. You cheat on me? Ok you are not loyal. I’ll just leave then.

Back in high school, when I was 14, I had my first boyfriend. He cheated on me. Thank goodness I wasn’t that in love with him but he was the first person who made my heart pounds a little harder than usual. Well, he was the cutest guy in school. No kidding. I enjoyed having him as my boyfriend. Bahahaha. He was this the most famous basketball player and that all the girls in school would do anything to have him. Anyway he has made me become so scared of being attached to someone because the thing I missed after breaking up is the feeling of wanting to call him. And I hate missing that.

After that, in every relationships I had, I was always the one who decides to walk away first. I was always the one who throws everything that was delicately built together away. I was always the one who hurts another. I was a coward. I get scared of my own imagination of the future that I always predict on my own. All of my ex were too nice to me. Looking back now, I understand why my sister and all my friends said that I was such a bitch, an asshole, and also a very stupid young woman. Ha ha ha

Yes, they were all nice. That’s why I don’t want to hurt them. I always imagine and predict the plausible future with the person. Most of them seems too hard to be true. When two lives don’t collide, one has to sacrifice to make it possible. All of them were ready to make it. I wasn’t. I don’t want to give up my dream and I don’t want anyone to give up theirs for me.

Both of my sisters said, “You think too much. You’re too considerate.”

“No, I just love myself and that I don’t want me protecting myself to hurt others,” I explained

“Have you asked them whether they would get hurt by you doing so or not?”

“No.” Bahahaha. That’s why I said I admit I was a coward. Well, at least there was one I didn’t walk away first. We both did it together. It was my first long distance relationship.

Distance and time are powerful. They could either kill you or make you stronger (Or both in the same time). I still remember how wide my smile could get when hearing ‘I miss you’ from him. As time passed, these three magical words couldn’t do a thing but trying its best to keep him and me as ‘us’. Nonetheless, faith faded and the pain of being far from each other kicked in. Days became utterly tiring for both of us to tell each other about.

We both then agreed to end the relationship. Not because we lose faith. Not because we don’t want to meet each other again anymore but because saying ‘I miss you’ or telling each other how our day was has become this shitty daily obligated activity while it should have been because we felt like it or we wanted to.

Plus we weren’t enough of a dreamer I guess. Time, money, work, and families. These factors were also parts of why we decided to end it.

Hearing my friend talked about her boyfriend asking to see her non-stop has led me to wanting to get attached to someone. This time, I would just do what my heart wants, think less, and believe in my loved one a little more.

Now back to the question “Why am I still single?”

Being a person who always leaves first, it never made me happier. All it did was made me feel a little safer. Safe from my own thoughts. So,

The answer is

“I question myself too much about the future that I started to doubt everything in the present”

Now, as I have thought through all of my relationships, having brain as a company in relationships is damn smart but having your heart as your leader, for sometimes, would make you less of a cold hearted person.

Trust me, asking yourself “How does it feel to be in love, to be loved, and to love someone?” would fuck you up for the whole night.

Oh wait, you just did, didn’t you?

Jidapachu,

Remembering moments #2016

2016 was a tough year.

A lot of things had happened and it had changed me to a completely different person. Comparing everything about me in 2016 and me now in 2017. It has been vastly shifted. There were many great things happening during the year of course, I have succeeded and achieved loads of goals I have planned in the beginning of 2016 but in the same time, I have fucked up, yea I screwed my own life up. In a way that I could do absolutely nothing to control it except accepting it. Nonetheless, I feel good it happened because now I know how to bear with shitty things on my own and yea! also know who are and who aren’t going to be there for me when I horribly need someone to at least ridiculously stand beside me and pat on my shoulder. 2016 has made me look at things in a wholly different perspective. Love, family, friends, strangers, myself, everything has been painted with more colors. The shades have become both darker and lighter. And certainly it has gotten uglier. Yet, I find a way to seek the beauty in it. Guess that’s one invaluable skill I have received from screwing things up in 2016. You know, there is always a beauty in a poop. Poop makes a good soil. Good soil makes a flower strong and beautiful.

 2016 was shitty and I ate a lot of shit. But I’m now a lot stronger and I’m quite sure I’m becoming more and more beautiful. Yea, I’m blooming. So shitty soil wasn’t that bad.

Now, I’m ready for some water. #2017 Rain would be great. I wanna see some rainbows.

Down here are moments of my 2016 I would like to remember.

January

  • Learning to use DSLR cam with dad by taking New Year family photos at the historical park.
  • Having friends from the university came over at my home in Kamphaengphet for the first time.
  • Had an Isaan trip with the family for the first time and also was still a vegetarian.

jan

February

  • Turned 21. Got a birthday surprise with a red velvet cake from friends.
  • Celebrated my belated birthday with dad and sisters.
  • Spent Valentine’s day alone by did some shopping.
  • Ended a 7-month-long-distance-relationship with the cutest kindest guy in my life (Happy ending nontheless. It was a few days after Valentine’s. Geat timing)

feb3

  • Broke my wall of never-go-anywhere-near-the-exam-period by taking a trip to Myanmar with mom and sisters.

feb

feb2

March

  • Had a fight with one of my best friends. Good that we had the fight. We now know each other even more. Although, everything between us is never going to be the same.

April

  • Went for a marathon (TU walk and run) for the first time.

april

May

  • Struggled with a fight I had with my best friend. Tried to get her back in my life. Ended the month of May with accepting the ugly truth. Learned how to let go and that we can never ever changed anyone’s mind but we can always change and better ourselves.
  • Met a guy online for the first time. He freaked and creeped me out.
  • Went bowling for the first time.

June

  • Had a family trip to Japan for the first time. Fell in love with everything about Japan. Acted like a 7-year-old enjoying the Universal Studios.
  • Ended a 10-month of being both a vegan and a vegetarian.
  • Somehow, my high school crush texted me for no reasons. Shockingly, we keep talking until now 2017 and still for no reasons.

june1

june2

june

July

  • Went to Shanghai to learn Chinese for the first time. Made lots of friends from various countries. Never thought I would have such good friends from Japan, Korea and Netherlands in my life before.
  • Learned a valuable lesson there (other than learning the language) read about it here
  • For the first time, my grades are almost all As. I got one B+ but well, it had my dad smiling anyway.

july

july1

july2

August

  • Was extremely excited to go to class both as a Third-year student and to meet friends.
  • Suffered my first few weeks with class assignments, barely had free time for myself, spent most of my time doing homework and school projects.
  • I realized I don’t like myself with long hair. So yes, had a haircut.
  • Taking a role as a leader in group projects has made me become millions times more patient.

august

September

  • Big sister’s birthday
  • Wrote an article about using cellphones while driving. The professor loved it.
  • Realizing and become more assured of myself that I like everything about marketing and advertising.
  • Attended and helped setting up the camp for the freshmen.

sept

sept1sept2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October

  • My oldest American brother’s birthday. Sent him a box of snacks and also painted him a picture.
  • Made my self-portrait for the art class within one night.
  • Made YouTube videos for the first time. (Marketing class assignment) watch it here (in Thai though..)
  • Worked as a film director, storyboard writer, and a cameraman for the first time.

oct

November

  • Was a month of finishing up all the school projects.
  • Wrote a long article about foreign workers in Thailand. Did a lot of interviews with the government officials.
  • Went to the graduation of the seniors that I know.
  • Encouraged my friend to attend her first love’s graduation.
  • Had a video chat with my American family on the Thanksgiving Day.
  • Made a mock-up radio audio clip for the first time.
  • Met a guy online again for the second time. He was decent, works hard, seems mature, had a sense of humour, and he was also an always-tired guy. He thinks and always says I’m dumb which I don’t know why I don’t mind. Well, no one is smart and no one will ever be. Anyhow, it was a good meet but nope, no sparks.

nov2

nov

December

  • A month of final exams and presenting all the school projects to the professors.
  • Had a photo shoots on the topic comparing love to the fire. The collection is named “Fire”

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  • Went to a club in town with girlfriends. Danced for four hours straight.
  • For the first time, feeling nothing excited for Christmas. Stayed home in Bangkok, alone, and did nothing but eating and watching movies on the Christmas.
  • Went to Srinakharinwirot University for the first time to watch a play which one of my friends is playing as a lead actress.
  • Went back home in Kamphaengphet. Hung out with my high school friends two days straight right after I’ve arrived home.
  • Spent the New Year Eve with the family. Had lots of drinks. Played cards with the family and lost a lot of money to them.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

Jidapachu,

Lost

Sitting on the porch, lodging her back to the ground

Round the corner she sees no one

The sun is gone, so she thought she could cry

, but she decides to hold

Oh, the night was cold, her shoulders folded

Like a withered rose

Left alone in a broken vase

It’s insane, yet she thought she’d better

Wander off

finding

her whining mind

That flies away like a hasting flight

Yes, it was frightening

As the sky always deny to shine for her

So once again, she wanders off

To find,

Find the light for her life

It’s night as she reminisces

And finds herself

has been

Tying her eyes to the neon lights

She likes how it always shine for her

But it never had her sight

So once again, she went out

To find

Find her wandering mind and a reply to the cause

On the thoughtless night,

she has found

Her mind crumbling

And feeling numb

Like a withered rose

Left alone in a broken vase

So once again

For one last time, she wanders off

Not to find

But to save 

her own self.

 

Jidapachu,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Song

Drowned in smoke

Choked to death, hate the way

That you sway

and tell me we couldn’t be tamed

Guess I was never wrong

‘Cause all the songs I hear

and the beers we drank

It never cracked our fears

Oh dear,

It sheds our tears

Here in bed, no more tastes

Of you, of me

Baby we’ve never been broken,

Between us it is

That has been torn

Oh baby,

We did give it up

No more touch, lusts were crushed

Tough kisses turned to bits

Hate it when I hear you sob

Hopped in bed, shredded rose

Drowned in smoke, choked to death

Hate the way they want us strong

I was never wrong

‘Cause it’s gone, all the songs

that you sing,

I wish I could ask

If this is the last

But I won’t

‘Cause you never wanted me to

So we blew it

And now it’s gone

All the songs you sing

It’s ok

I’m ok, you’re ok

The way you sway,

“I’ll always remember”

Jidapachu,